Ontpingar is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, strong wolf.

Ontpingar created the planet Venus seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontpingar, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Ontpingar, he will have a very low opinion of you.

Ontpingar's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Ontpingar's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from indigo snails for they are unholy.

2. Never think about solid mechanics near shrews while wearing magenta tights and balancing nine silver spheres on your legs.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Ontpingar.

4. Do not shave your head.

5. You must pray to Ontpingar eight times a day.