Bessjamvonmatcar is a god.

It takes the form of a four hundred metre long, resourceful goblin.

Bessjamvonmatcar created Europe eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bessjamvonmatcar, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Bessjamvonmatcar, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Bessjamvonmatcar's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Bessjamvonmatcar's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Always look after injured goats.

3. Do not consume rice at dawn.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Do not name children after shrews.