Gonpodmil is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, fussy deer.

Gonpodmil created the universe seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Gonpodmil, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Gonpodmil, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Gonpodmil's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Gonpodmil's Holy Commandments

1. Gonpodmil must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Gonpodmil.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Never hurt dogs.

5. Never paint your arms turquoise.