Kamnurtsaf is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, caring gorilla.

Kamnurtsaf created the universe four billion years ago.

If you believe in Kamnurtsaf, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Kamnurtsaf, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Kamnurtsaf's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Kamnurtsaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never hop in holy places.

2. Erect a large nickel sculpture of Kamnurtsaf on top of all buildings.

3. Dolphins are not to be trusted.

4. Worship no other gods but Kamnurtsaf.

5. Erect a giant platinum sculpture of Kamnurtsaf in the centre of the settlement.