Hatnarvon is a god.

It takes the form of a slender, sage tortoise.

Hatnarvon created the cosmos four million years ago.

If you believe in Hatnarvon, it will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Hatnarvon, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Hatnarvon's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Hatnarvon's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of onions to eagles while wearing orange trousers.

2. Always obey Hatnarvon's priests.

3. Never sit in the presence of horses.

4. Never wear scarves.

5. Never pour water over plants.