Gessaggep is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, duplicitous pig.

Gessaggep created dark energy four million years ago.

If you believe in Gessaggep, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gessaggep, she will jump up and down on your head.

Gessaggep's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Gessaggep's Holy Commandments

1. Do not jump in public.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Always help manatees in need.

4. Hide from pink capybaras for they are unholy.

5. Never eat bark.