Ontbigkem is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, witless newt.

Ontbigkem created the Small Magellanic Cloud five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontbigkem, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Ontbigkem, she will turn you into a frog.

Ontbigkem's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Ontbigkem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Respect your elders.