Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, witless raccoon.

Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag created the planet Jupiter five billion years ago.

If you believe in Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Quartnillhonboss Sigrencim Nakbellspag's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured ducks.

2. Never write about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

3. Always make sure there are no voles in a building before entering it.

4. Always help moths in need.

5. Do not shave your back.