Metvolmeg is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, unsympathetic badger.

Metvolmeg created an up quark five million years ago.

If you believe in Metvolmeg, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Metvolmeg, he will turn you into a slug.

Metvolmeg's most sacred site is Brancion in France.

Metvolmeg's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear black corsets.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never cross rivers at midday.

4. Never talk about gravity.

5. Never carve symbols of black holes into wood.