Kaphonzed is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, slow walrus.

Kaphonzed created a bottom quark six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kaphonzed, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Kaphonzed, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Kaphonzed's most sacred site is Didy in Madagascar.

Kaphonzed's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Kaphonzed.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Always keep your back turned to the west at sunset.

4. Do not record signs concerning moons.

5. Never wear indigo tights.