Ortquatrip is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, caring raven.

Ortquatrip created tapeworms eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Ortquatrip, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Ortquatrip, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Ortquatrip's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Ortquatrip's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Never feed peas to otters while wearing yellow dresses.

3. Feed all hungry cats.

4. Erect a giant platinum sculpture of Ortquatrip in the centre of the settlement.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.