Xemlopnul is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, happy crocodile.

Xemlopnul created bats three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Xemlopnul, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Xemlopnul, he will turn you into a duck.

Xemlopnul's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Xemlopnul's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention great tits.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never wear indigo dresses.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Doves are unholy and should not be approached.