Jonrillartnab is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, weak newt.

Jonrillartnab created dark energy nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Jonrillartnab, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Jonrillartnab, he will denounce you as a heretic.

Jonrillartnab's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Jonrillartnab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear violet clothing.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Jonrillartnab.

3. Never feed turnips to dogs while wearing turquoise jumpers.

4. Learn four new languages a year.

5. Do not eat pineapples.