Lapcetnull is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, ill-tempered snail.

Lapcetnull created dark energy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapcetnull, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Lapcetnull, it will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Lapcetnull's most sacred site is Skive in Denmark.

Lapcetnull's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your back.

2. Never think ill of sick foxes.

3. Always share bananas with strangers, but never with squirrels.

4. Never feed corn to sharks while wearing gray rings.

5. Never eat green fruit.