Bag is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, dishonest faun.

Bag created time and space two million years ago.

If you believe in Bag, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Bag, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Bag's most sacred site is Anony in Madagascar.

Bag's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Never talk about dark energy near monkeys while wearing gray shirts.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate tapirs.

4. Never gather six tortoises near doors.

5. Do not consume coconuts at dawn.