Matquafwat is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, self-confident newt.

Matquafwat created matter nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Matquafwat, it will not care.

If you do not believe in Matquafwat, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Matquafwat's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Matquafwat's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Matquafwat's priests.

2. Always look after injured dolphins.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Do not commit murder.

5. Do not eat carrots.