Tarlambif is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, sapient mink.

Tarlambif created dark energy eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tarlambif, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tarlambif, she will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Tarlambif's most sacred site is Estedt in Germany.

Tarlambif's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep five goats in a large pit.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Never think about quantum gravity near tortoises while wearing purple shoes and balancing eight lead spheres on your arms.

4. Never chant near frogs.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate swans.