Nartshavhen is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, blissful gorilla.

Nartshavhen created gold four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nartshavhen, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Nartshavhen, he will cry a lot.

Nartshavhen's most sacred site is Aranganur in India.

Nartshavhen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about special relativity near seals while wearing turquoise shoes and balancing eight gold spheres on your face.

2. Hide if three pigs approach from the west.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. Do not name children after bats.

5. Do not utter prayers while touching platinum.