Hapxuchithan is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, all-powerful armadillo.

Hapxuchithan created the planet Jupiter six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapxuchithan, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Hapxuchithan, he will boil you in a big pot.

Hapxuchithan's most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Hapxuchithan's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Hapxuchithan.

2. Never talk about gravity near snails while wearing mauve shoes and balancing eight carbon spheres on your neck.

3. Never wear kilts.

4. Always make sure there are no voles in a building before entering it.

5. Never think about the strong nuclear force near tortoises while wearing purple rings and balancing six copper spheres on your head.