Larpjapteen is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, contented dove.

Larpjapteen created a photon four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Larpjapteen, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Larpjapteen, he will turn you into a hamster.

Larpjapteen's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Larpjapteen's Holy Commandments

1. Never carve symbols of black holes into wood.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Never mix parsnips with blood.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate ducks.

5. Look mercifully on unfortunate great tits.