Hasgonzig is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, humorless salamander.

Hasgonzig created vertebrates five million years ago.

If you believe in Hasgonzig, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Hasgonzig, she will remove you from existence.

Hasgonzig's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Hasgonzig's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed cucumbers to tapirs while wearing rings.

2. Always obey Hasgonzig's priests.

3. Do not kill rats.

4. You must love Hasgonzig.

5. Fast once a month.