Jopwegced is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, staggering spider.

Jopwegced created tapeworms eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Jopwegced, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Jopwegced, he will turn you into a dog.

Jopwegced's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Jopwegced's Holy Commandments

1. Learn six new languages a year.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Never talk about quantum field theory near mice while wearing brown coats and balancing four lead spheres on your arms.

5. Never play with disobedient children.