Futfarhud Lagquatgad is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, boastful slug.

Futfarhud Lagquatgad created the planet Saturn nine million years ago.

If you believe in Futfarhud Lagquatgad, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Futfarhud Lagquatgad, she will make you grow a tail.

Futfarhud Lagquatgad's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Futfarhud Lagquatgad's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Always obey Futfarhud Lagquatgad's priests.

3. Never look at asteroids.

4. Never think ill of sick birds.

5. Never think about ultrasonics near shrews while wearing pink corsets and balancing six nickel spheres on your chest.