Ponvegyarl is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, ruthless lobster.

Ponvegyarl created a down quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Ponvegyarl, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ponvegyarl, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Ponvegyarl's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Ponvegyarl's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Never hurt mice.

4. Never talk about dark energy near swans while wearing fawn shorts and balancing seven lead spheres on your hands.

5. Hide if four badgers approach from the west.