Flatvondod is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely large, awe-inspiring human.

Flatvondod created a Higgs boson five billion years ago.

If you believe in Flatvondod, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Flatvondod, it will refuse to believe in you.

Flatvondod's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Flatvondod's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Never speak the names of stars aloud.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Flatvondod.

4. Never feed lots of cucumbers to aardvarks while wearing gray jumpers.

5. Remain bowed during prayer.