Lopquaflarn is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, dishonest warg.

Lopquaflarn created bats three billion years ago.

If you believe in Lopquaflarn, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Lopquaflarn, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Lopquaflarn's most sacred site is Bodieve in England.

Lopquaflarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always help otters.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Lopquaflarn loves capybaras, so they must be honoured.

4. Never write about amino acids.

5. Do not dye your hair turquoise.