Loopponjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, calm bat.

Loopponjarn created Europe five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Loopponjarn, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Loopponjarn, he will turn you into a rock.

Loopponjarn's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Loopponjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no geese in a building before entering it.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Hide from pink turtles for they are unholy.

4. Do not wear fawn clothing.

5. Never feed nuts to voles while wearing purple boots.