Bassfigtail is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, kind scorpion.

Bassfigtail created a photon eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bassfigtail, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Bassfigtail, he will destroy your favourite star.

Bassfigtail's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Bassfigtail's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. Do not listen to music.

3. Do not hurt ants.

4. Never write about chlorophyll.

5. Always help sick horses.