Padflapzen is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, all-knowing manatee.

Padflapzen created a bottom quark three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Padflapzen, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Padflapzen, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Padflapzen's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Padflapzen's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not take Padflapzen's name in vain.

3. Do not shave your hands.

4. Never laugh in the presence of geese.

5. Run away if five voles approach from the east.