Tarpsidarp is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, intelligent narwhal.

Tarpsidarp created a top quark four billion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpsidarp, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tarpsidarp, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Tarpsidarp's most sacred site is Romlund in Denmark.

Tarpsidarp's Holy Commandments

1. Always help ants in need.

2. Tarpsidarp loves porpoises, so they must be respected.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Tarpsidarp.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.