Xemfebjen Danarptallik is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, emotional spider.

Xemfebjen Danarptallik created the Cigar Galaxy six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Xemfebjen Danarptallik, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Xemfebjen Danarptallik, she will attempt to scare you with hail.

Xemfebjen Danarptallik's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Xemfebjen Danarptallik's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about special relativity near ants while wearing turquoise trousers and balancing eight gold spheres on your arms.

2. Never hurt badgers.

3. Always help turtles in need.

4. Never sprint in the presence of shrews.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.