Xuckjadlab is a god.

He takes the form of a three hundred metre long, self-assured mole.

Xuckjadlab created Europe five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Xuckjadlab, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Xuckjadlab, he will turn you into a worm.

Xuckjadlab's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Xuckjadlab's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear black.

2. Do not take Xuckjadlab's name in vain.

3. Do not drink alcohol.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Always help monkeys.