Flatflapkab is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, sage octopus.

Flatflapkab created humankind five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Flatflapkab, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Flatflapkab, she will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Flatflapkab's most sacred site is Cobbelsdorf in Germany.

Flatflapkab's Holy Commandments

1. Always help swans.

2. Flatflapkab must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Feed all hungry otters.

4. Erect five platinum sculptures of Flatflapkab on top of important buildings.

5. Never eat strawberries.