Abappark Bitnartshav is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, selfish walrus.

Abappark Bitnartshav created a top quark six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Abappark Bitnartshav, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Abappark Bitnartshav, it will turn you into a puffin.

Abappark Bitnartshav's most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Abappark Bitnartshav's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate swans.

3. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

4. Never think ill of sick goats.

5. Do not hop in public.