Ontmadgan is a god.

She takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, self-assured narwhal.

Ontmadgan created the planet Mars five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontmadgan, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Ontmadgan, she will have a low opinion of you.

Ontmadgan's most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Ontmadgan's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Run away if five sharks approach from the south.

3. Learn eight new languages a year.

4. Always look after injured nematodes.

5. Do not stand on grass.