Jonmidtailvab is a god.

She takes the form of a large, tiresome tortoise.

Jonmidtailvab created everything that exists six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonmidtailvab, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Jonmidtailvab, she will turn you into a tree.

Jonmidtailvab's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Jonmidtailvab's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about amino acids.

2. Never write about planets.

3. Mites are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never hurt shrews.