Bafwabman is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, tranquil porpoise.

Bafwabman created everything that exists four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bafwabman, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Bafwabman, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bafwabman's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Bafwabman's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate seals.

2. You must pray to Bafwabman five times a day.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Never think about optics near moths while wearing green shorts and balancing three silicon spheres on your face.

5. Always stare at clouds.