Barnparkwik is a god.

It takes the form of a large, bad-tempered octopus.

Barnparkwik created the planet Earth nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Barnparkwik, it will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Barnparkwik, it will send minions to preach to you.

Barnparkwik's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Barnparkwik's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never write about black holes.

3. Never talk about archaea.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.