Sterquatved is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, emotional seal.

Sterquatved created Asia eight million years ago.

If you believe in Sterquatved, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Sterquatved, she will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Sterquatved's most sacred site is Dommerby in Denmark.

Sterquatved's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry hamsters.

2. Never hurt snails.

3. Never feed peanuts to cats while wearing brown jumpers.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Do not dye your hair white.