Tapbissnart is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, tiresome narwhal.

Tapbissnart created a top quark four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapbissnart, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Tapbissnart, he will turn you into a goat.

Tapbissnart's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Tapbissnart's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate monkeys.

2. Always help capybaras.

3. Never bounce near eagles.

4. Do not hurt grasshopers.

5. Sheep are not to be trusted.