Haswadnurlwotponbus is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, weak newt.

Haswadnurlwotponbus created everything that exists five billion years ago.

If you believe in Haswadnurlwotponbus, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Haswadnurlwotponbus, it will turn you into a rat.

Haswadnurlwotponbus' most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Haswadnurlwotponbus' Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant copper sculpture of Haswadnurlwotponbus in the centre of the settlement.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Haswadnurlwotponbus.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Never write about special relativity.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.