Baportbem is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, unthoughtful rhinoceros.

Baportbem created Africa seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Baportbem, she will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Baportbem, she will ignore you.

Baportbem's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Baportbem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed cherries to otters while wearing trousers.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Never talk about ultrasonics near sharks while wearing yellow jumpers and balancing six silicon spheres on your neck.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. You must love Baportbem.