Lopquafcib is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, fast swan.

Lopquafcib created water six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lopquafcib, it will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Lopquafcib, it will jump up and down on your head.

Lopquafcib's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Lopquafcib's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention birds.

2. Do not drink water in red rooms.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Hide if three aardvarks approach from the north.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.