Wontarnan is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, two-faced coyote.

Wontarnan created tapeworms seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Wontarnan, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Wontarnan, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Wontarnan's most sacred site is Utti in Finland.

Wontarnan's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Never mention whales.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate turtles.

5. Never think about enzymes.