Bifstaffon is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, bad-tempered capybara.

Bifstaffon created life three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bifstaffon, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Bifstaffon, he will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Bifstaffon's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Bifstaffon's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about gulls.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Never mention doves.

5. Do not wear magenta clothing.