Zan is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, dishonourable gerbil.

Zan created Asia six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zan, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Zan, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Zan's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Zan's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your neck magenta.

2. Always help sheep in need.

3. Erect seven nickel sculptures of Zan on top of important buildings.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of platinum.