Ham is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, prudent gorilla.

Ham created the solar system three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ham, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Ham, it will turn you into a rat.

Ham's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Ham's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if eight sharks approach from the west.

2. Erect a giant platinum sculpture of Ham in the centre of the settlement.

3. Walk at least five thousand metres per day.

4. Never hurt gulls.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.