Stafjamwan is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, moody crab.

Stafjamwan created the solar system seven million years ago.

If you believe in Stafjamwan, it will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Stafjamwan, it will think nothing of it.

Stafjamwan's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Stafjamwan's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of tomatoes to geese while wearing mauve boots.

2. Great tits are not to be trusted.

3. Do not speak about apples.

4. Erect a giant zinc sculpture of Stafjamwan in the centre of the settlement.

5. Worship no other gods but Stafjamwan.