Futflabkamcet is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, fussy snail.

Futflabkamcet created humankind three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Futflabkamcet, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Futflabkamcet, it will boil you in a big pot.

Futflabkamcet's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Futflabkamcet's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at moons.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Futflabkamcet.

4. Feed all hungry bats.

5. Never hurt badgers.