Vanbampasmid is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, fussy octopus.

Vanbampasmid created the world two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Vanbampasmid, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Vanbampasmid, it will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Vanbampasmid's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Vanbampasmid's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

2. Never talk about spacetime.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Do not eat limes.

5. Never look in ponds.